Thursday, October 24, 2013


I have been super busy with a ton of stuff. I do have updates, especially since I've been on the Omnipod for several months. Check back later.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I am on the verge of a breakdown.

So for the last few months I have had a really hard time managing my Diabetes. First, no matter what my night time bg is (example 120) I wake up well into the 200's if not on the edge of 300. This am, I was 301. So I gave myself 6 units or novolog and it only dropped about 100 points. Yesterday, I started to get really fucking angry. I was high most of the day. I was recklessly (or not) bolusing, which had little effect on my bg. Everytime I call my endo, the desk seems slightly condescending to me. They hate my Dexcom for one reason or another, that's a story for another time. They keep blaming my diet, which may not be the best, but hasn't changed much in 3 years and I haven't ever been aligned with the projected A1C that I have. The only change in my life. 1) Started Playing Ice Hockey for 2 hours a week. 2) Have been taking an increased amount of Zoloft. I am sorry to sound like a broken record but here's the deal. If you havent read my other posts. Zoloft has made me go from 160 to 200 lbs rapidly. If I stop taking it I get severe health anxiety and trouble doing the things I like due to anxiety. However I do loose all the weight. I AM NO DOCTOR BUT I HAVE RUN MY OWN TESTS. I have gone back and forth taking and not taking my Zoloft. To the point of being almost a complete space case. EVERY time I stop taking it, diabetes management becomes WAY easier. When I take it, my insulin resistance becomes super noticeable. I go from taking 20 units of lantus to the now 28 that still doesn't seem to cover it. Also my meal time bolus significantly goes up. TO ME.... THAT'S PROOF. My endo wont hear this, my internist won't either. I'm not complaining about ZOLOFT. I need it. I'm complaining because there seems to be no course of action. I have to watch my diet? FUCK YOU. I am the most active person I know. Even my job is active. I'm 6 feet tall so even at 200lbs I carry it very well. As a hockey player I'd much rather be in the 190 range than super slim. I dont know what to do, and although the zoloft keeps me grounded, its becoming very frustrating. My worry is that if I go to a different doctor they may be (in my past experience) crazier than the one I have now. I have been diabetic for 3 years. I had one guy in the past prescribe Blood pressure Medicine. I never took it. Should I be on Blood pressure medicine? Even if I don't have Blood pressure problems? I have outstanding blood pressure. I do take Lipitor for high cholesterol. I just don't know where to go. I AM SLOWLY RUINING MY ORGANS AND NO ONE SEEMS TO MIND. (By the way to all my friends on twitter, I know I can be offensive. Sorry. I enjoy sick and twisted humor and some people don't get that. I have to find things that make me laugh and sometimes its inappropriate, childish, not politically correct and possibly down right offensive. That DOESN'T mean I believe it. I do not judge people on race, creed, or any other belief.)

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Now is a good time to write.....

Seeing as how I'm stuck at work, around exit 10 on the TP. I guess now is a better time than ever to write a few updates.

                 So I started dexcom. It is pretty awesome although sometimes it gives a way different reading. I'm not 100% reliant on it yet. The sensor is very comfortable, even when ice hockey shorts are pressing and rubbing up on it in a physical hockey battle along the boards. I tried it in my arm but the sensor failed within 2 days. Could have been a coincidence but I cant afford that right now so, back in the belly it is. I can't say I'm pleased with my numbers though. First of all, I decided to change lantus injections to the am. Mostly because its easier to remember during my morning routine. I have always had night-time highs. I go to sleep at 100 and wake up at 220. Well, after changine to the am I was waking up at about 1am with a good 350+ reading. I called my endo. (The women at the desk are complete and utter assholes (for lack of a better more derogatory term).) <--- Thats right, I double parenthesized.  So I had to give them "readings". Now as you may no without printing out my dexcom info I dont have actual to the decimal point readings. So I just rounded off the little blips on the map. Five hours later I get a call back from said "asshole" office employee and guess what... They tell me Quote: "Switch back to nighttime". OK. WHAT ABOUT THE 220-250 during that trial period?!?!?!?!?!? So, needless to say I am absolutely unsatisfied with that answer. Specifically the part about my increase in zoloft not affecting my insulin needs. (I have personally tested the theory and BELIEVE me, more zoloft equals more insulin needed. PERIOD.) This all coming from the women who took 4 weeks to sign dexcom papers and said it was only for Type 1's that pump. Great. Thanks for that. Anyway she's not all that bad. She doesn't prescribe me a million different drugs that may or may not prolong my life.

                Renauds. Well, after going back on zoloft to 100mg's I am feeling better mentally. I have also put back on all the weight, almost. I'm back in the 190lb range. At 6' I guess thats not terrible. I am hoping that my Renauds phenomenon will be reduced or gone due to the blood thinning effects of zoloft and the stress reduction that it has brought. On the other side of the spectrum I still need a xanex about once a day to rid myself of panic attacks. I want to up the zoloft more, but it will initially make me manic so I am trying to wait it out a little. All in all I guess everything is ok. My Brother moved in with my Wife, Son, Little Dog, and I. He is a good dude and helps out. He is due for some intensive shoulder surgery next month so we are going to try to take care of him. I enjoy having him around. It definitely helps me out mentally and emotionally. Thats it for now folks, traffic seems to be clearing so I better make a run for it. The delays here were friggin incredible. Have a good night.

Updates. Soon To Come!

So basically I have a TON of updates but I haven't been finding time to post them. I feel like I want to merge my two blogs together, but unfortunately my personal interests and the interests of those who choose me (Diabetes) are not really inline with each-other. I doubt anyone in the #DOC wants to hear about my love of Music and all things music related, or my lust for all things with an engine. I doubt anyone really cares about my tattoos or my favorite pinup model pictures. Anyway updates to come shortly. A lot about my ENDO, starting Dexcom and my 3 weeks of nightly 400bg readings.  Stand by.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Anxiety, Diabetes, Birth of my Son, and Thanatophobia.

Let me start by saying I respect everyone's belief's, religion, opinions, and thoughts. I hope none of this offends anyone. Pardon any grammatical or spelling errors I was an English enthusiast in another life but am at work and finding the few free moments in my life to share this with all of you. I want to thank my beautiful wife for being there for me and our 1 year old son when I couldn't be there for myself.

I always have a tough time writing from memory. It seems like I start off strong, then my ADHD kicks in and I become inaccurate and all over the place. I was never formally diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I used to get very bad panic attacks and dizzy spells with a solid headache lingering after. I could never quite go into a shopping mall or movie theater comfortably either. Most of this occurred after quitting smoking. My primary doctor prescribed me Zoloft (Setraline) and I was like a new person. When I was first diagnosed with type one I had at the time put on a lot of weight from Zoloft to fight off this anxiety. I went from168 to 200lbs. At 6' tall I was comfortable somewhere in the middle. I was binge drinking a lot at the time and continued to do so until recently. It never affected my bg negatively. If anything it would somewhat lower it. I only drank at night, but it became easy to tolerate a lot of liquor. I got my normal tests done every year. Blood work every 3 months. Everything was coming back normal except for my cholesterol so I was taking Lipitor for a while. My career was going well. I was bringing in a lot of money for someone my age in my field of work. I was dirt biking every Sunday playing hockey during the week. Going out with my wife. Playing in a Rock-a-billy band. Recording my own stuff on the side. Life seemed good. I remember having on emotional breakdown though. It was a tough night with BG radings in the 400's. I got frustrated and started to hit the bottle of Jack Daniels until my vision blurred. I remember injecting myself with a whole bunch of insulin and saying (remember I'm being truthful and real here.) fuck it. That night I wrote a half-assed, booze induced, disgrace of a will that I keep saved on my computer in case ever it is needed or I want to remember how frustrated I became. If I ever grab up enough courage I'd love to share it with people. Eventually I decreased my Zoloft dosage. I weened myself down from 100mg to 75. Then from 75 to 50. During which I was losing weight which is what I had intended to do. Little did I know I was also shortening the fuse on an already ticking time bomb. I had never really FACED my diabetes. I was just kind of on autopilot. Inject here, test there. My A1c was great in the low 6's. My biggest desire in life is to be a good Dad. I think that when my son Daniel (Danny) was born, my autopilot turned off and the aircraft ejected me into reality. I was so happy. I loved him the second I saw him. I knew he was going to be just like me and trying times were on the way. I welcomed them. Slowly over the next few weeks I became worried about fatherhood. Not about parenting at all, but about being around. How long can I go on like this? Drinking every night. A1C in the 7's. Maybe, just maybe I have a good 20 years left. (Being optimistic as my first draft was 10.) Will I ever get to coach his hockey team or setup his band at a live venue. Will I ever meet his first girlfriend, wife or child? Will I be able to take him to a bar on his 21st birthday and watch him experience his first hung over morning. Thoughts started to fill my head and I became quite literally insane. One night I arrived home and my wife looked at me and said you look skinny again. Immediately, I ran to the bath room and got on the scale. 176?! How could this be? I was alarmed and panic set in. My God, what is wrong with me, I yelled? This was the beginning of a long journey a complete spiral out of control. My wife (who should be nominated for the sainthood for dealing with this bullshit) tried to make sense to me. "Steve, you wanted this, you decreased the Zoloft of course you're loosing weight." There was no rationalization it just wouldn't, or couldn't happen. I became completely immersed in a crazy world where everything was wrong with me. Everything, except for my diabetes. I stopped eating, then when my stomach hurt I though I had stomach cancer. For a while I got REALLY dizzy a constant vertigo if you will. I was convinced, brain tumor. During a routine test my urine had a "trace" amount of ketones. Well, I thought, here it is... kidney failure. I started seeing a therapist and shrink. I dont want to go into too much detail here but he prescribed me some Strattera, (Whose possible side effects alone could send you into a tizzy.) She kept telling my to get multiple tests done to prove to myself that I didn't have a fatal illness. My thought was it would only benefit me for the short term. During some of this brief therapy I released some of my inner secrets. Mostly that I have always had morbid thoughts of death. I am, for lack of a better term, Deathly afraid of Dying. Now, my therapist says "Everyone is afraid of dying." My answer in short is NOT TRUE. Here's why. My friend that I grew up with, kind of an introvert, put a 38 revolver in his mouth and blew his brains out all over his parents basement, only for his own mother, the person who loved him most, to find his headless corpse. My own brother watched them remove his body (they lived a few doors down). I doubt, at any time, that he was afraid. Not of dying, not of his 3 brothers missing him and not of his parents having to have a closed casket funeral / wake. I was raised Catholic. I dig the whole religion thing. I also have a lot of respect for people of strong faith. I wish I could be one of them, I really do. I wish I could pray for things and have a strong belief that it will change my future. I wish I KNEW that Jesus Christ was waiting for me in heaven. I wish, that my best friend, my Grand Father was waiting for me to meet up with him on the other side, but I don't. As science and research expands and as I learn about the origin of our Universe, I lose faith. When the Vatican covers up molestation and RAPE like Penn-state did, I lose faith. My final though on this for now is the good old belief that if a child or someone you love dyes young, God called him home early. People try to make it a happy ordeal. I don't have a problem with the "good dying young" thing, I have a problem with the years, months, weeks, or days that they suffer. Walk into a children's cancer ward, you will soon believe less in the Holy Spirit. Sorry, but its true. No god that I want is allowing that to go on. PERIOD. So as my faith weakened my Thanatophobia became uncontrolled. I though of death most of the day. Such a finality. I kept it to myself as I had all my anxiety before. My one issue is that although I am no genius, I have really great awareness and understanding of the inner workings of things. I will debunk and denounce mostly everything someone tells me because I either think or KNOW that I know better. During this time I developed a somewhat severe case of Renauds Phenomenon. If my fingers got cold they would turn white and get numb. They looked like cadaver fingers. I was convinced that it was circulatory issues from uncontrolled diabetes. It was insane. It happened over and over. If I got them to a heat source they would go back to normal immediately. I have since found that all types of people get this and it is most likely stress related, but it still scares me. During another episode I was convinced I had testicular cancer after helping someone lift a truck rear differential and pulling a groin / thigh muscle. I was missing a lot of work and I was useless when I was "working". I used to curl up in a ball in the back office and sleep on the job. It was crazy. The doctor kept changing my dosage but every time I would get shaky dizzy and felt just TERRIBLE. Finally I bit the bullet and started taking 100mg's of zoloft again under the supervision of my primary doctor. I am in my initial phase of it and anxiety has gotten very crazy for me right now but I take some xanex to cope. For a while my liver numbers were high and I associated it with drinking but my endo said it was from a very high a1c of almost 9. Since then my diet has changed and my diabetes has been much better except for at night. My last blood test showed an A1C in the low 7's and all of my other numbers in range. I am also taking Lipitor again. We shall see how everything works out. I was literally collapsing emotionally. It was a terrible thing. I am not 100% but its getting better. When I read about all the complications of diabetes or deaths from it my morbid thoughts come back and I get shaky again. I have seemingly replaced my worries about other illness with Diabetes. I need to get better at handling this all. My eyes are open. My name is Stephen, and I have Type 1 Diabetes. If left unattended, I may have a drinking problem. I refuse to let any of it affect my Son's life.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Editing Video for my Meter Destruction Video.

I have a ton of video from Sundays Meter Destruction Shooting Rampage. I'm trying to edit it all. I am a terrible film producer. My brother who is in Tahiti Right now is great at video editing, but I cant wait. On another note I have been in touch with DEXCOM this week. I am waiting for some forms to come. Then hopefully I will be getting everything handled and together so that I can be issued one.

Monday, August 13, 2012